Posted: 10/31/2008 at 7:35am | IP Logged

for a while now i have had this faith in something i call, "the voice", which really was a thought, but this thought was very different.  i believe and have believed it was from God, but of course there are days when i question it. 2 months ago, i went through a breakup that was a miracle from God...not that the relationship was bad - it was perfect in fact.  everything was so easy, unlike any relationship i'd ever had.  he was everything i wanted and he brought out my best qualites....it sounded cheesy but we really wanted to be better because of each other. we just loved each other so much...the kind of love where you say, "if there was a word for love that means more than love, that's what i would say about you and me."  perfect, right?  i'm almost 30 years old and for the first time in my life (and believe me, i've been through some heartbreaks), i knew what true love was...and how great true love feels.

the miracle of it all was this:  about 3 months into the relationship, my boyfriend (ex, now) revealed to me that yes, he was raised baptist, but has lived as an atheist the majority of his life.  his family life was hard as a child and in his teen years just decided, he couldn't rely on God who he thought wasn't answering his prayers so, because they didn't get answered the way he wanted, well then God must not be there. after hearing this, my heart dropped.  and a million thoughts shot through my mind. "wait! what just happened??  everything was going so great and this man was perfect for me and he loves me and he's the one i'm going to marry! this can't be happening, God! what will he teach our future children?  help me, God, to help him!"

i was still so deeply in love, but from that moment, i was also in fear.  i just couldn't bare the thought of dying and going to heaven and he would be in this place of eternal misery.  but, i never told him that because i knew his questions for me about religion would never be answered to his satisfaction, because the answers i give him would typically result in, "i can't PROVE anything to you....that's what having faith means." 

so i prayed and prayed everynight, "God help me to help him...i don't know how."  shortly after his confession of atheism to me, things started to go downhill in our relationship.  he started to close himself off and just stopped caring.  he quit wanting to talk to me and the stresses from work just kept piling up for him....it seemed to be one thing after another.  things just falling apart around him. so one night...he broke up with me.  i cried and cried...for weeks after that night, i prayed and begged for God to bring him back to me please, and God and i together would help him."  he quit talking to me but continued talking to friends...and they now seemed to know more about what was going on with him, the love of my life, more than i did. and one day in particular, i became furious! i was at work...at my desk and i got a message from a friend who said that he called she and her husband just to check on them and the family and see how they were and started to tell her that he was having severe headaches....this whole conversation made me so angry at him.  why, was this man, the man who once told me i was the best part of him...the man who i once talked to everyday for hours on end about nothingness, why was this man not talking to me? i didn't do anything wrong! i can't describe to you in words (words for here, anyway) , the thoughts that were going through my head that moment.  i was finished with that man and i was tired of crying and worrying and i hated him and he obviously hated me because who treats someone they "love" this way?!?! then, as i turn in my swivel chair and reach to my left side to grab my purse off the floor, still angry mind you, there was..."the voice".  it was a thought, but i feel like "the voice" almost fits it better.  it wasn't loud or booming...it was calm and clear and quiet, which is probably why i paid attention to it because, calm and quiet and clear was not my state of mind at the time....it said, "chasity, just wait this out, and he will be back".  from that moment, my tears were gone.  i stared at my feet trying to figure out what the heck that was...the negative thoughts were no more.  i was at peace.  i turned to my desk and continued finishing up my work. the more i told people of "the voice" the more i started to doubt it because the look on the faces of the ones i told was of little to no encouragement.  their words were encouraging but body language says so much.  i've often tried to recreate "the voice" to see if i could prove that it was my own wishful thinking, but it has been to no avail.  so i've begged for confirmation from God....read books apon books, trying to find a clue as to if someone may have experienced the same thing....still, i felt i needed that confirmation.

a month ago, i was kneeling beside my bed, crying my eyes out which were already raw from the many nights before, and i was praying my typical, "God bring him back to me and show me how to help him find you".  that night, i stopped....cried a lil' harder and realized, i was praying all wrong, so, i hesitantly changed my prayer.  i say hesitantly because no one wants to give up when they want something in a certain order.  but i said, "God, bring him back to you...then, bring him back to me."  weeks or so went by and still no word from my ex, and i reached the point where i was angry with God, "God, i'm tired of crying, tired of praying for something that i don't see happening, tired of praying for strength i don't have and tired of praying for guidance i'm not getting! i'm done because i don't know what else you want me to do!!" and i meant every word.  the next day, i sent a message to my ex and i told him, "you don't have to reply to this, in fact, i'd rather you not.  i'd rather you just read it. this will be the last time i initiate any conversation with you. i don't mean that to be mean...it's just that i can't beg you to talk to me, and i can't make you tell me what's going on with you and i certainly don't want to be the woman who wouldn't take the hint, so when and if you get ready to tell me about the "storm" you're going through, i will be here, but until then, i wish you the best of luck."  that night, he called me.  we small talked, then he said, "chasity i have something to tell you.  are you sitting down?", "yep...tell me anything".   he said, "i've given my life to Christ".  omg!!! it was my miracle! i'd been praying for! 

since that conversation, i figured out that God broke us up because He knew that no one could help my boyfriend, except my boyfriend.  God had to take everything from him, to make him realize how much he needed God. 

my ex and i are friends and it's hard for me becasue i'm still battling with the whole, "voice", thing.  it sure would be alot easier if God would just tell us when it would all happen, you know? haha. 

not knowing is what makes keeping the faith hard.  for me, it's the thoughts that say, "maybe it wasn't God...maybe it was just you deceiving yourself"...but i have to have faith right?  i'm just scared i'm holding on to something that is not what i thought it was. 

i spoke with my exboyfriend yesterday, and he and i discussed hearing God speaking to each of us. for the longest time i've asked for confirmation from God that what i heard was from him and not from my own wishful thinking...and today when speaking to my exboyfriend, i really felt and thought "this is my confirmation!" he told me what God has told him and i chose not to tell him what God told me because, i felt like he wasn't ready to hear it, and if God wanted him to know he would've told him. my exboyfriend asked me if i'd asked God who i'm supposed to be with and i told him no because, i didn't feel like i was ready but i know who God told me he'd bring me...i just have to wait. he told me he asked God who he was supposed to be with and "got an image" but he said he didn't know if it was from God or from the devil. then laughed. i know it shouldn't bother me, because if God wants him to date other people, he will...but i just can't bring myself to think of him with any one else right now. for a moment, his comment made me wonder if he was not coming home to me...but i guess that's where faith comes in...i have to believe that when i heard, "chasity, just wait this out and he will come back", that it was from God. but my question is, what if i'm putting faith in something that is not from God and merely wishful thinking? is it worse to have faith in something you're not sure came from God but really believe it did, or is it worse to not have faith in it because you don't know for sure? and if i'm not sure...how do i confirm it?

so my question is (and anyone can answer..PLEASE feel free to answer or advise)...which is worse: having faith in what you THINK was God speaking to you but are not sure or having faith in something that is not from God?

or doubting what may or may not have been from God?  (am i making sense?)

when people look at you like you're crazy for thinking God speaks to you...it really plays with your head...when you tell them what you think He said, and that look of doubt comes across their face...that's when a little peice of your faith starts to fade.  so how do you know?  is it the nagging of "the voice" that you thought you heard...that stays with you months after hearing it?  is it that it called you out by name? i mean...when i have thoughts, i don't often recall my thougths saying my name to me.  maybe it's wishful thinking?  but how do you know?  how do you get past the doubt and doubters...what if they're right, and this whole time i've held on to something that's been only my wishful thinking?  or what if the message was from God and i interpreted wrong...and when God said, "chasity, wait this out and he will be back"....if he meant, he would be back as a friend or back to God in regards to religion but this whole time i've been holding on so tightly to the idea that God meant he would come back to me...to the relationship?

that's why i've been so adamant about believing that God can work miracles...i know that's true.  and i know God can do anything...can change anything...can will anything.  so i've been praying continuously that if i've been wrong about this whole message from God thing...that it wouldn't matter, because God can do all things...and if i have enough faith, God will look into my heart and see how sincere i am about wanting this to work, and He will grant me that miracle i've longed for. 

man oh man...my mind is a whirlwind...constantly.  like this morning...i have constant headaches.  i wake up praying...literally!  it's almost uncontrollable now.  it's like i have constant questions for God. 

so, what's the verdict?

Posted: 10/31/2008 at 1:23pm | IP Logged

right after posting this message...i stopped and had a long emotional prayer to God.  i cried, cause  that's what i've been doing the majority of the past too months, haha, and i told God, i needed his help.  i told God i needed something because i didn't know what i was holding on to anymore.  i told God i knew He was there, but that i felt as if i was almost playing a game of charades with him, and i was tired.  i told him how much i wanted to hear from him and that if my ex and i were supposed to be reconciled, then i needed a sign and that would be my confirmation that what i believe i heard, was from God, and then i would know for sure....i told God, if my ex and i were to be back together then to please reveal to my ex what God revealed to me.

a few minutes after i got up and dusted my knees off, i got a message from my ex boyfriend.  it just said, "i've decided not to kill myself *he was kidding and was referring to a ton of financial issues he has been slammed with lately*.  then he said, "i guess you never know unless you try, right?"

so is that my answer from God? or a coincidence? maybe i need to be more specific with my prayers and tell God that i'm easily confused but He made me this way, so please...it would just be easier to come right out and say, "yes, chasity...that was me speaking to you".  haha.  something tells me he's not going to do that.

Posted: 10/31/2008 at 1:57pm | IP Logged

Hi

If you don’t mind, I would like to share my input. You may not like what I say. Take what’s Good and throw away the rest.

No I don’t believe that God told you that. I don’t have an explanation; I just don’t believe God told you that.

I don’t like leaving long post, it is too tiring. All I know is that you have a lot of affections for this person. I see it like this: A person can give their heart to anything or anyone. I can give my heart to a rich man or poor man. I can give my heart to a homeless man. The bible says guard your heart with all diligence for out of it springs the issues of life. So since you have not guarded your heart concerning this man, you gave him your heart, now you find out he is an atheist (after the fact) now this becomes your issue. Kind of like Samson &. Delilah

Any way, my thoughts... I don’t know if this is real love as you say, but there are affections involved. God's understanding is infinite, way past finding out, so don’t be surprised if I speak like im deprived of understanding your situation. No I don’t fully understand. This is just my take on it.

First let me say this: You know how the bible says love to lord thy God with all thy heart, mind, and strength, love the lord thy God with all thy heart? You know that scripture right? Well, when you love the Lord that way, everything is in him and through him, which means what ever he loves, you love, whatever he hates you hate. Am I making sense here? Therefore you are not free to have these wayward affections for any man.  Nothing activates our affection more than friends, and among friends the opposite sex stirs us the most attraction. Well at least for me it does. But those affections belong to the soul: meaning it is natural. I don’t have time to break it down. But yea, it is soulish. We need to mange our affection. This is why I don’t play the boyfriend& girlfriend game.  Yes we have likes and dislikes, but those natural likes and dislikes do not have any part here; especially if God is not controlling it... if God is leading you to terminate a relationship with someone, you can do that. Why? Because when you love the lord with all of your heart that permits Him to direct your love. Feel Me.

Posted: 10/31/2008 at 2:08pm | IP Logged

you "don't play the boyfriend girlfriend game?"...i'm sorry.  i'm not sure i understand that.  i know many people do not have a whole lot of time to delve into issues such as this but i'm in no rush, i promise you. haha

my exboyfriend is a christian now.  he recently turned his life over to Christ, and he's got alot of battles but i hope and pray he hangs in there...and i know

i do believe God tells us things ESPECIALLY regarding issues as important as relationships so, i do not agree with you on that one.  i know many people whom God has told what to do in their relationship and they did it and it worked out.  

i believe i know why God had to end my relationship....and i know God told me that...because he told my ex the same thing.  but that same voice was the same one that told me to wait it out. 

Posted: 10/31/2008 at 3:14pm | IP Logged

Chasity,

I hear your doubts. I know those well myself. I feel like God has pointed out a specific person to me whom I should marry, and I've been fighting it for over a year, just because I want to make sure I'm not making an error.

So let me say this. For some of us we want the companionship so much that we look past or can't think about all the other very important things that need to be there for a marriage.

Let God prepare the both of you. Let Him work on you and him some more. Patience is a prime character trait in marriage.

God bless!

Posted: 10/31/2008 at 3:23pm | IP Logged

Oh, one more thing.

Love isn't a feeling. It's a choice you act upon.

All those feelings you feel, they aren't what we like to call love. They're the products of our soul. Love is God, not some emotions.

Read 1 Corin. 13 and take your time on it. Meditate on each verse and what it's saying. You might be suprised and convicted.

Loving someone means doing them right even when they've wronged you and you don't feel it in your heart.

It's because of this mis-understanding of love that so many Christians end up in divorce.

Grace!

Posted: 11/01/2008 at 2:39am | IP Logged

Hi Chasity,

The word you heard was "Chasity, just wait this out, and he will be back" right?

Larry has already touched on it, but my advice to you is to learn how to wait in peace.  I sense much anxiety in what you've written and a lack of peace.  As hard as it may be, I feel the Lord is wanting you to learn to relax and trust him through this trial.  From what I've learnt since being a Christian is that the Lord's agenda is always primarily about getting to know him better.  Every trial presents this opportunity.  And this is the biggest reward, rather than that which we are asking for.

As Lisa has said, our main concern should be to love the Lord our God with all our heart, mind and soul.  Through concentrating on the Lord and getting to know him better, peace will come.  You have a broken heart which needs healing.  Only the Lord can do this, not Luan.  It's only the Lord who can resolve your emotional turmoil, not getting back together with Luan. 

And as Michael said: "Let God prepare the both of you. Let Him work on you and him some more. Patience is a prime character trait in marriage."  I agree with this too.  Rather than being anxious about what's not happening yet, rejoice in the ways that God is daily preparing you for marriage.  Even though you may not be able to see great changes yourself, if you look back at what you've written here in a couple of weeks or months, you will be surprised and delighted at how far you've come.  And the Lord will be working in Luan's life during this time as well, and you will both be better prepared for marriage.

Relax and enjoy what He's teaching you.

With love,

Mandy

Posted: 11/01/2008 at 3:58am | IP Logged

Oh, and keep remebering and praising God for the miracle He's already done!

Love Mandy

Posted: 11/01/2008 at 12:11pm | IP Logged

HI Chastity

I would be happy to explain, briefly, what I meant when I said:I dont play the boyfriend and girlfriend game. Keep in mind, I did say take whats good and throw away the rest. I also said I dont understand your situation, God does. So be mindful of that when you read this reply.

 Everytime I hear a child of God say  " my boyfriend" or "my girlfriend" it makes me think of dating. Ive noticed among a lot of christians: People recreational dating to satisfy their emotional and physical desires.
People of God dating for fleshly pleasures. People dating with absolutley no intrest in marriage at all.  People developing Emotional attachments without marriage commitments. This is why I say I dont play the "girl friend" boyfriend' game. I am a short term girl. When I marry the entire process will be 6 month. I dont have time to play around 2, 3, 4 years but thats me not everyone else.

So thats what I meant. If your friend gave his life to Christ: Good for him. My friend went through the same thing. God had to stip her of this guy. She loved him and he loved her. I mean, he praised her, he adored her, all of a suden he harden himself against her. And the relationship went down hill from there. God harden the mans heart against her, thats how  I saw it. It is years later and she still sobs over it. One day she was reading to me all of the letters he had written her, all I did was listen. She kept saying: what happen? what happen? She remains hopeful that he will comes back but his heart is still hardened. When she was seeing him, she was saved, and he wasnt. Then; he gave his life to the lord. But hes growing and maturing in Christ, he still has returned to her. so...

When ever I go through something I know people will not understand, especially when it has to do with a man, I bring it to the lord only. I may ask for advice from a person once, but thats is it. I usually dont keep a person updated on my emotions on the issued, because nine times out of ten, you will be on an emotional rollercoster and those fickle emotions need to go to God not a person. 

Posted: 11/01/2008 at 3:38pm | IP Logged

thank you ALL very much for your responses.  it's strange...i went out of town this weekend to see friends i have not seen in years and it has really helped to get my mind off of my situation.  i told God this morning that i know i cannot control anything...He knows my heart, and He knows when it will be fulfilled.  it feels much better.  i'm praying i can continue to have that strength and faith.  that "voice"  nags at me still...but i'm just going to put it in my pocket so to speak and hold on until the story unfolds. 

again, thank you so much.