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Arla Speer
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Joined: 01/27/2009
Location: United States
Online Status: Offline
Posts: 39
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Posted: 04/18/2016 at 7:27am
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Enough
When you leap and He catches you, you discover that what
you most deeply desire is to be in His arms.
~~ The Calling, by Rachelle Dekker ~~
I've struggled with hearing about miraculous stuff my
whole life and not having witnessed any of it enough to
convince me that it happens today.
And, I've wanted more - all good stuff, all God stuff.
I keep a running list of songs that change me or affect me
during my journey and eventually compile a CD of those
that have had a tremendous impact during seasons in my
journey. Usually, I am very intentional about these CD's
because they have become a marker, a memorial for me.
This one was quickly thrown together that Tuesday night
before going to bed with intentions of listening to it on
the way to a meeting Wednesday morning. On the way to
bed, I hear Jesus ask me a question that stopped me in my
tracks. "Is My love enough? Is it enough for you?"
If I never get anything else from Him ever again, will His
love be enough?
Had He asked me a day earlier, I would have quickly
responded, "Of course!" Tuesday, two days before
Valentine's Day that year, I was not so sure. I had not
been having a good day to begin with and this question ...
I had to stop and honestly think about it. For days,
every time I thought about it, I kept coming up with the
same honest answer – no.
Remember, I wanted more. I didn't like my answer. And,
because I didn't like my answer, I begin to be angry that
He had asked the question in the first place. He already
knew the answer. He asked the question to reveal my
heart.
To make matters worse (seemingly), I had titled the CD
Never Alone - something I had been hearing from all
different places for months. I can be a little slow but I
was picking up on this – “you are never alone”; thus, the
title for the compilation. However, when I listened to it
the following morning, I discovered everything that was on
the CD, was about His crazy love for me - not that any of
the music had changed. I had just become acutely aware of
His purpose for the CD.
A friend of mine thought this was "so cool"! In my anger,
I promptly said, "No it's not. At least not now. Maybe
in a couple of days. But not now."
I was reminded that what He does is not who He is. Yes,
what He does flows out of who He is - if I can sit on His
lap and see His face, His hands are not far away. I want
Him. And, if with Him His stuff follows, so be it. I
really would prefer having Him to having His stuff. But,
I wasn't living that way.
Is His love enough? How could it not be? And yet, for
whatever reason, I felt a lot of shame when my answer was
'no' - crushing shame! How does one tell Jesus that His
love is not enough?
Wayne Jacobsen often says, “The truth will set you free,
but it will really mess with you first.” I was such a
mess! I thought about getting prayer the next time I was
at church and start with, "Hi. I'm Arla. Lover of Jesus.
In turmoil now. At least Jesus and I are back on speaking
terms." Although it brought a grin to my face, I promptly
decided against that course of action and just emailed a
couple of friends instead.
I had taken a stance of “I know I’m not living what I
think I believe – that Your love is enough - so, prove to
me that it is.” I was ‘on guard’ for two weeks and Papa
had all the time in the world. That will wear you down.
I began seeing myself jumping off a cliff - or at least
trying to jump. I would lean forward almost to the point
of pushing off but then I would get stuck. I was the
cartoon character that gets that far and then realizes his
toes are stuck to the ledge while his body is at a 45-
degree angle. I began to wonder, does getting pushed off
the cliff equate to jumping? One still free-falls, the
question of being caught is still there, and the eventual
landing (caught or not) happens. Can I be child-like
without believing that Daddy will catch me?
The reality is, I say one thing and believe something
else. I say He loves me without expectations (beautiful,
isn't it?). I'm finding I don't believe that for a
minute.
There must be expectations. Why would there not be
expectations? Everyone has them. Why not Him?
That rationale bled over into my relationship with Papa -
He must have expectations of me; I don't/couldn't ever
measure up; etc. Intellectually, I know this isn't true
about Him. But ... I don't believe His love is true
either.
A friend asked, “Has Papa ever failed you?”
No, and yet I couldn't figure out why His love wasn't
enough. It wasn't Papa who had failed me. It was people
who had failed me.
The same friend reminded me of when our children were
young and were learning to tie their shoes. Sometimes
they would, without deliberate intent, make double or
triple knots. The shoe would likely stay on but the
knots, if left in that state, would eventually become so
constricted that the lace would no longer function as
designed. In their limited experience, they tried to pull
the lace tighter - not limited knowledge, but limited
experience. If they had limited knowledge, I'd still be
tying their shoes.
So, I come along and work to slide their shoe off and,
without judgement, slowly begin to undo their doing. I
may have to use an ice pick to begin to loosen the knot
after I examine it to find the perfect point to poke. But
then, slowly, I unravel the wayward loops. A reverse
here, and compression of the lace as it is squeezed
through an over-tightened loop. But, after a few rounds,
the lace is straight again. The lace doesn't just hold
the shoe on tight, it completes the shoe.
When is any growth in Papa ever easy? I was being poked
by Papa's ice pick. I had done nothing wrong. I didn't
lack knowledge. I was just short on experience. Left in
my current position I'd function "good enough" but Papa
doesn't do "good enough".
The strings that connected my experiences with people to
my life with Papa were becoming untied. And that is how I
saw myself as stuck to the cliff.
No, He has never failed me but He has disappointed me at
times. Is His love enough? Will He really catch me? I
still have to grapple with His love now that He has
disappointed me. Is His love enough now? Will He
catch/carry/hold me here on the cliff? In my
disappointment? After I jump?
My disappointment would seem to indicate that He is not
enough. That He doesn't/can't/won't hold me here where my
feet are stuck.
I had borrowed a Brennan Manning book, The Furious Longing
of God, from a pastor friend of mine. I tried to read it
but couldn't. I flipped through the book and noticed some
pen markings in it. I landed on page 113 - a 'Consider
This' page at the end of a chapter on Boldness. (Side
note: I never read the study questions at the end of a
chapter! I figure since God knows me, He always does a
much better job than the author could ever do as far as
applying what was in the chapter to my life or asking me a
question.)
My eyes landed on Question 1: If Jesus were to ask you,
right now - what do you want? - what would you say?
Seriously, what would your answer be?
Out loud and yet to no one but me, I answered: I want Him.
Not His stuff. I just want Him. And, I want Him to be
enough.
It seemed the only way I would get what I wanted involved
not spending time with books that point to Him, but
actually spending time with Him - the One who loves me
enough to ask me the really hard questions, revealing
answers that cause me to not want to talk to Him at times.
I returned the book unread and my pastor friend laughed.
He understood about cliff jumping. And journeys. And the
discovery process. And timing. And the way Papa works.
He also knew I'd be back for the book, which I was only a
couple of weeks later.
What love is this? “There is no fear in love: but perfect
love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment
(separation), and the one who fears is not perfected in
love. We love, because He first loves us.” (I John 4:16,
18-19) In His love, there is nothing to be afraid of.
Love is His identity. It’s who He is.
I was trying to figure out which comes first: Deciding
that it is enough or walking it out. There's probably no
'right' answer (which means there's no 'wrong' answer
either). Maybe better said, there's no universal answer -
UNLESS, it's all about a religion instead of a
relationship with Papa. Then, you can find (or be told)
the 'right' answer.
All who are thirsty
All who are weak
Come to the fountain
Dip your heart in the stream of life
Let the pain and the sorrow
Be washed away
In the waves of his mercy
As deep cries out to deep
~~ All Who Are Thirsty, by Brenton Brown ~~
When we are needy, we Christians know where to go to have
our needs satisfied. But sometimes when we get to that
place and discover it’s only Jesus who really satisfies -
due to the pain in our lives, we fight what only He can
be. Not only do we come to Him needy, but we also decide
to fight the One who satisfies, provides, and loves us
more than anything we’ve ever known. He is right there in
front of us – the fountain, the stream of life, the waves
of mercy – all we have to do is accept what He has waiting
for us. So, why do we fight Him?
Finally, I let my guard down, relaxed, and decided that no
matter how I live, His love will always be enough - when I
walk like I believe it's enough and even when I want more
than just Him. My belief, or unbelief, has absolutely
nothing to do with the truth being the truth. The truth is
steadfast. It never changes.
I've found that there's a lot of peace that comes with
believing the truth. (Imagine that!)
I am my Beloved's and His desire is for me.
~~ Song of Solomon 7:10 ~~
__________________
Arla Speer
How wrong are you willing to be?
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Topic: Enough
