Posted: 06/06/2008 at 12:32pm | IP Logged

Hello I came here because i need advise. Any insight would be helpful.

I  am a woman of God and have been saved 8 years. I am single. I recently met a man who is also saved. we seem to hit it off well. We both believed with all of our hearts that God brought us together for marriage purposes. we have decided to commit to one another and have the Lord develope our reletionship and lead us to when the appropriate time is was to marry. Its only been 2 months and neither of us are in a hurry. We spend a lot of time communicatiing about our upbringings and all that stuff you talk about in the beggining statges of a developing relationship.

ok heres the problem.

1st: He is a seven day adventist. now seven day adventist are saved. I mean they have.... well at leaste he has.... acknowleged he was a sinner, confessed with his mouth, belive in his heart Jesus died and rose on the third day and all that good stuff. Bear with me, I do not feel like doing a lot of writing, I just want to cut to the chase. Seven day adventis go to church on saturday. this is the first conflict we had. It bought tears to my eyes at the though of  us not being able to be together because he worships on saturdays. We both were adamant about not transfering over from what our  worship lifestyles were currently like. I  also noticed he was ignorant to certain truths, but I said thats nothing a little prayer cant fix as long as he has a desire to live Holy.

2nd problem is this. 2 years ago he backslid away from God and was in a relationship with a woman and they were fornicating. now before he met this woman he was a virgin until he was 29 years old, and this woman came into his life... and i say - she cursed him. Anyway the were fornicating for  2 years until he turned 31. He came back to the Lord and has been back for about 2 years. He is now 33yrs old. during these 2years back with God he still had a passionate desire to marry. I mean ever since he was 16 years old. therefore; he was still pursuing relationships with woman in his church, christian dating sites, etc. They all failed. long story short, during a converstaion with him, he did say that while in his back slidden state he was watching porn but since hes been back with the lord hes no longer entertaining that. I asked him if he had my- space he said yes. he was very hesitant to give me his  the my-space page addres. my- myspace personal adress, i dont mind giving out because i know i am glorifying god on my persoanl page and i have nothing to hide. so because he was hesitant i thought he was hiding something and i sought out the matter. i found his my - space page because i was being snoopy. I found unappraopriate photos of woman on his page. I confronted him about it. He said he barley checks his myspace page.... Even though i noticed his last login was 1week from the date. Any-way he said he apolgise for offending me and said he will delete the photos. its been 3 weeks and the photos are still there.His last log in date was june 3rd.

People of God please give me your insight. I need it so bad. I was thinking I wanted to demonstrate the Love of God not give up on him but pray for him. but then I said that would be foolish to think that way. I been decieved sooo many times i cant count I have so much to do for the lord i dont have time to invest in dead things. I am not a desperate woman. I will leave him alone, I tell you the truth, I am not playing. Do you think I am making the right choice to leave him alone. I am taking my walk with the lord more seriously now than I ever did before and I want a man who does the same.

Posted: 06/06/2008 at 3:33pm | IP Logged

Hello Lisa,

Thank you so much for coming here to ask this very important question. Just a bit to introduce myself to you before replying to your question. My name is Ron McGatlin I have sought to serve the Lord for 54 years. I am the Coordinator or administrator for OpenHeaven.com website. I have five children 34 grand children and 6 great grand children. I am now 75 years old and have dealt with many personal experiences in the Lord and have assisted many in personal ministry and counseling. There is much written on this site that God has given me including four or five free download books.

Now all of that to say that I am a nobody but a nobody that has a big ear toward God and have tried many many things that did not work through the years. Wisdom from experience comes when you come to that place to say, Wow, I'll never do that again. I bet you have already had a few of those, right?

Lisa, you will probably get some really good replies from some of the wise and godly ladies on the site.

I can assure you that the situation you are in will not work. I am sorry but there is far too much that will prevent this from ever becoming a real marriage relationship. The longer you remain in any close relationship with this man the harder it will be to get free of it and find a real relationship with a godly man. I feel sure that some of the people replying later will give you more personal details.

One of the greatest mistakes we can make is thinking we can fix what is wrong with a person by marring them. The things that are not right before marriage will always be a bigger problem after marriage. I know that you will wish things would change and feel that God might do a miracle and fix it all. But it is not going to happen that way because too much of it depends on him. If it were all up to you probably you could do something to make things better but it simply is not that way.

There is more going on in the religious thing with him than you can know. And his having another woman is only part of the character issues involved. In short please hear this: LISA, RUN DON'T WALK TO THE NEAREST EXIT - GET OUT AND AWAY AS SOON AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN. Even if it is painful to do so, it will be much more painful to stay and keep hoping it will get better than to get out now. You cannot fix this man. God can provide you a mate and can become all you need in the mean time.

Keep on pursuing love.
It never fails.

Ron McGatlin

archive.openheaven.com
basileia@earthlink.net

Posted: 06/09/2008 at 12:45pm | IP Logged

Thank you so much for your response. I recieve the wisdom. Him and I had a long 4 hour talk on the matter. He was very open with me about his struggle, well his sin. He said i am worth fighting for and he is going to do what ever it takes to break free he said it is not worth losing me over. He did cancell his my-space acoount. anyhow i know it is a chain of bondage and that it will take more than words. It is a real battle for his soul. I asked him was he accountable to anyone he said he confided in some of the men at his church and they prayed for him. then he went to some meatings to help him. He said he has breaken free from it before but when relationship puruits with other woman failed he felt rejected and discouraged and resulted to this. He said in the begining when he felt himseldf slipping back into this sin, he said to himself: "I know I have to stop this" He says he didnt know he was going to meat somone whom he would care about  so much. Now its affecting the relationship. He says he wish he can just stop but is hard. I said i would help him and said thanks for not giving up on me. Then the very next day i quickly changed my mind. i said I cant do this, I cant take the sin, it is very offensive. I cant work out your salvation for you, you have to work out your own salvation with fear and trembling. I have to leave you alone.

I know i have to seek God on the matter and i am with all my heart. I am not confused. well a little.... i feel like dealing with him is a gamble. Ever sinse i told him that i dont completely trust him; he is doing everything is his power to prove to me he is worthy of my trust. It is so sad because hes trying so hard because he doesnt want to lose me. I dont even know if  hes ever met a God fearing woman before. My heart goes out to him because the power of God is not active in his church nor in his life, he doesnt know really who he is in christ or what it means to walk in the spirit. He has so much respect for me though and i admire that.  He says he would never disrespect me because he values the relationsip so much. Every decision you make you must count the cost. i beleve if i call unto God he will answer and show me great and mighty things i knoweth not.  This is my only struggle - whether or not to to put my prayful efforts in on his behalf until i see the lord move. Ive seen my prayers produce mighty results on many ocasions but only when lead by the Spirit. My problem is discerning wheather or not the spirit  is leading me that way with this person.

Posted: 06/12/2008 at 5:56am | IP Logged

Lisa - The Lord doesn't permit me to advise you regarding who you choose in your life and to what degree.  I too have been praying.

One thing I will say to you, is this...you are not yet in a marriage with this man.  You are not under the obligation or requirement of covenant to walk through this in the same way you would have to as a wife.  It really may be God's grace that some of these matters have come to light BEFORE you are that entangled into the relationship.  If God had intended for you to walk thru this as a spouse to the man, trust me, you'd have CLEARLY heard God, and loudly, that you were to marry him.  And God would have given you grace to walk it, as He did with Hosea who He called to marry a prostitute. 

I do not hear coming from you that this is the case in your instance.  I do hear some huge effort to convince you that you have far more responsibility to this man than you do.  You are NOT the solution to the man's problems or troubles, Lisa.  God is. 

I would look prayerfully at what Ron has stated regarding much much deeper things at work than the surface which any of us could change without really being transformed on the inside. 

Then it will be up to you how you decide to proceed.  You are not responsible for the man's lifestyle or choices, nor is he for yours.  A 2 month friendship doesn't carry anywhere near the bond or responsibility of being married and deciding how to walk through this type of stuff.

I know more than one situation where a woman or a man married another with these types of issues and troubles -- and they were not able to help...and it was hell...you can't imagine...

Posted: 06/12/2008 at 12:24pm | IP Logged

Thanks Denice, I will take your words into consideration

I